Let me start off by saying how incredible it was to have met and spoke with you, as well as to have met your beautiful wife and bright eyed son. You and your wife are definitely quite the inspiration and I can't thank you enough for giving me the time to listen and share your words.
I felt the best way to give you a glimpse into my story was to share my poem I had written about a week ago. I believe I did a good job summing everything up while still being able to capture the reader's attention. Please let me know if there is any way I can help for your beautiful foundation, I'd love nothing more than that. Helping people is what I was meant to do in this lifetime, in one way or another. I'm not afraid to share my story and because of that have had many individuals, victims or supporters, come to me for comfort and just to say what an inspiration I am. The recognition is not needed, but is definitely a big part of what keeps me going day in and day out. I hope to hear from you soon, and that you enjoy my writing. As always, it is straight from my heart.
Thanks again and best wishes,
I didn't know you well.
I heard that you were a heathen, doomed for hell.
The alcohol consumed you, and that's too bad.
You'd be proud to know just what kind of daughter you had.
Maybe if you had stopped talking to Morgan and Jim Beam,
Maybe if you had treated my mother more like a queen,
Just maybe things could have been more how I imagined them to be,
And I wouldn't have found out you existed at the age of 13.
Maybe then I wouldn't have grown up calling this other man dad.
Looking back now, maybe you weren't so bad.
Because your problems were an open book, easy for anyone to see.
My daddy put on a show so well,
He was even able to cast my mom under his spell.
He did a great job with me too.
Manipulation at it's finest-the blame game, guilt trips, verbal attacks, my butt met his steel toed boot.
Oh daddy, if only that was the worst you've done.
Sadly, that was just part of the outcome.
Because you're not supposed to make me touch you there.
I'm not getting bathed, where are my clothes? Where's my underwear?
Those white sheets were now a lack of comparison to my pure innocence.
You've now stained that, and it is something I simply cannot get back.
It did resemble my skin-snow white as I froze.
Memories as such just do not decompose.
I did a pretty good job though, those past 14 years.
But for knowing what you did, your abuse never disappeared.
Nothing I did ever fit your needs,
I got older and smarter-trying to succeed.
The molestation may have came to a hault, and for that I get on both knees.
However your verbal and physical attacks took its spot.
'How did I put up with this so long?' is my only thought.
This isn't where the story gets better,
This actually feels like a curse.
Your son decided to step in your shoes-as if things couldn't have gone worse.
I was a little older then, and as for him-
15 years of age is old enough to know a sin.
Your fingers don't belong in there, and get your hands off my chest.
White sheets all over again, why am I being put to the test?
I can't move. My eyes sewn shut.
Quit talking to me like a dirty fucking mutt.
No that doesn't "feel good", and I didn't "like it" one bit.
I know you remember and I most certainly didn't forget.
And to think I looked up to you both, pieces of shit.
Now I don't know what a father is, but it's definitely not that.
And brothers aren't supposed to do those things, that's just a fact.
I may have gotten you out of my sight, but never out of my mind.
There were yet so many damages that soon I would find.
Why am I so sad? What's this hole in my heart?
Is this what depression is? Then my anxiety decided to start.
I hadn't dug deep enough, thinking 'this just happens sometimes.'
Little did I know there's almost always a root to find.
So then it began.
I wasn't then aware that murdering my sadness was all in the plan.
I'll take a puff of a cigarette, now 4,000 puffs a day.
Those puffs weren't enough, smoking pot was the start.
Convinced it helped my tummy,
Put some color in my heart.
That kept the nerves down to some degree,
I even started to see things differently.
But soon enough, quicker than I could take my hit, I invited alcohol to come and sit.
Life of the party, and I could handle my shit.
'How is my body taking in all these shots?
Better pour some more', without a second thought.
I need something else, I've only blacked out three times.
My heart still hurts, and I don't know why.
Maybe these boys and girls can fill my void, their possession-I'd be prized.
It's nice to be touched by someone my size.
I think he loves me-hold on, nope.
Well, once again there goes my hope.
So up my nose it goes, behind my lips it went.
Quick with my wit, can no longer sit.
Gotta go, gotta go! I need more thrill!
Oh wait, I'm coming down- I think I need a few pills.
Get me out of my mind, I don't want to be here anymore.
What's that? Acid? I've never tried that before.
I gained more insight than I could have ever imagined.
Only to become more confused as the clock unfastened.
New Year's eve, senior year-bring me good luck, booze, and a few ears.
I just want someone to like me, all I need is a friend.
Sure I'll do those pills with you-not knowing where that'd end.
The ball drops and so does my mind.
I'm no longer there, but the others must have taken it fine.
I know you've been drinking more than you should,
And those 2 pills really did you in good.
I think you smoked too but oh well, who cares.
Drive us home Skylar, you're not impaired.
D.U.I. doesn't stand for anything good.
Go to those classes, pay your fines like you should.
Those were no friends, no one to place in my heart.
Now it's time for new beginnings, a fresh start.
No more big parties for me and for a while there, I even felt free.
But soon I got lonely, I just wanted some company.
College came with a permanent drink in my hand all but one night,
Looking around I mean it kind of seemed right.
Another day, another guy I'm not going to lie.
Soon I awakened but it would be too late. College was not for me so I did eventually escape.
Manager of a smoke shop, that's a good one for the shelf.
More friends than I could count and soon I found a group that I thought to be perfect for myself.
Love came and went in it's many ways. Manipulation entered my life again, it's safe to say.
Drinking less often, but the smoke clouded my lungs.
Day after day and so it begun.
Weed turned to dabs and dabs turned me too stupid, sitting around hardly saying a word is pretty useless.
Cheap though when you're selling the stuff.
What else do you want from me? Am I, myself, not enough?
No more lies, stop using me, why doesn't anyone see?
If I know anything, it's you aren't the type of people I want to be.
So I left the shop and left the group only to be hit with depression like a truck,
Day after day becoming more stuck.
Depression pills never really did work, around the corner my inner monster would lurk.
It took a toll on more than one, my relationships tumbled down hill, oh what fun.
Some I tried to keep alive and as for the reason, I don't know why.
Go. Come back. No I don't want you in my life. Wait, I think you should stay..
What the hell am I doing?
Why am I acting this way?
The countless globs of THC didn't help. Erasing my memory, not being able to tell how I felt.
Enoughs enough, I can't keep doing this to myself,
More importantly I want to know who loves me and be there if I need help.
But you can only help yourself if you truly desire.
It was time I put out this raging fire.
Those I thought were friends dropped like flies,
Which I found out to be okay sometimes.
I put down my dabber, packed away my glass.
Sobriety was about to kick my ass. Months go by and I'm actually surprised. I'm not addicted to this stuff, it was all in my mind.
But then I start to feel and my vision becomes clear,
Time to be a big girl and deal with my fears.
So I tell my story with honesty and passion.
Tears come down on the floor, they're smashin.
I realize how strong I've been all all along, A healthier way was just in my song.
Now the lyrics make sense and I'm able to hum to my own melody.
Do you know how unbelievably beautiful that is to me?
I may not know the ending but I'm at a great start.
Here's the hook boys, it was all your part.
I would drive myself madder than we already are
If I tried to sit here and decipher your mind from afar.
I can only hope you boys get better.
I'm the fortunate one here
Even though I may still shed some tears.
I am anything but weak. I'm a survivor.You are the ones going to be hurting deep inside your whole lives.
I plan on recovering and thriving over the top.
I'll have to leave this place sometime soon, the looking over my shoulder has got to stop.
You can win that round,that's completely fine.
Being near your presence simply isn't worth my time.
There's a place out there waiting for me beautiful as can be,
I know its just standing on its toes waiting to meet me.
I have goals, actual goals for the first time in my life.
Someday I'll even make a lovely wife.
I wear the map of me on my sleeve
And I still have many more roads to take.
I owe it all to you guys,
you are the ones to thank.
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